I had an internship with the CPS for a short time after the summer, wherein I was working and liaising with young offenders and their families in Bristol. Whilst doing that I was volunteering for the CAB, that brought on its own degree of self satisfaction and freedom of expression. Perhaps finally a practical usage of my legal skill and knowledge.
Work and friends and all moved at a boring yet fulfilling pace, for once I was actually at peace with myself and it all seemed well. I thought that it was a mistake leaving my job with the Carphone Warehouse, boy was I wrong. I guess, there was too much of a conscience on my part.
Throughout the end of last year, I managed to catch Train, AM, Coheed & Cambria, Deftones, Placebo, Goldfrapp, Noah & the Whale and a few more bands that elude my memory at this time. Managed to meet Pat Monaghan of Train when I saw them in Bristol, and he was beyond nice. All this was thanks to Emma, who I got the gig as a birthday present for. Got quite close to her in this time. She is amazing, and probably has one of the most level heads among all my friends. Still never really got around to telling her the true extent of how I feel and perhaps never will. It is always the drunken stupor in which I start blabbing madly and tell her everything, I really dont know how much she knows or what she knows. But the chemistry between us is amazing. :) I suspect she knows, but is perhaps a bit more committed with her bf. I'm not one to snatch so might just come to terms with it and let it go.
Work and bumming around carried on till most of the first quarter of this year, had a very flexible timetable and started getting very physically fit with many gym and football outings rather than going out and getting pissed. Managed to get to Somerset and Guildford in this time for Baby Jamesy and Stabbi. Perhaps my two other favourite places in the UK. Also, by this time I think a brotherhood had formed between Pete, Faariss and I. It was a place where anything could be said without any harsh repercussions or judgement. These truly were peaceful times, little did I know that this was the calm before the storm.
I spoke to my mum every other day at the time, and in April I was told that she was flying up to see us in May. She had booked her tickets for the 10th of May. I was overjoyed, it had been a while since I had seen her. Her trip was later delayed as she had some health issues, but I was reassured that she was merely going through a thorough physical and wanted to be in good shape before coming up. So I didnt think much of if. In the 3rd week of May upon her postponing her trip and everything, I was asked by my uncle to come home as my mum was ill. This was a shock and was rather puzzling. I had no idea it was this severe, I had to then pack up, book my tickets and sort out everything to go home on a semi permanent basis. It took us about 5 days to sort everything out, and a bit longer because of my idiotic sister losing her passport. Also, there was the looming threat and danger of the gas cloud in britain, against all odds, I flew on the 23rd of MAY and made it home.
My uncle, picked us up in the airport, only to tell us our mum passed away a few hours ago. I dont think I need to describe how I felt. I'm still not done grieving nor forgiving myself for the events that transpired. Too many what ifs? Too many maybes... Its been painful and tragic.
Here now almost 3 months on, I find myself dealing with her firm, handling my own business ventures, running my own companies and about to embark on the Malaysian Bar and many other things... I keep asking myself, why me? How would my life be if she was here?
To be continued.......
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